My Friend Has Breast Cancer
Do you know what the most common question a woman asks when she is told she has breast cancer? You’ll probably be as surprised as I was at the answer. The first thing a woman usually wants to know is whether or not she will lose her hair. At first, I thought of all of other possible questions I would ask like lumpectomy or mastectomy, one breast or two, chemo or radiation, and perhaps most important, what are my chances of survival? Fortunately, I am not one of the 250,000 women who are diagnosed each year or one of the 40,000 who will die from this disease. That said, I now have absolutely no idea how I would feel or what I would think in a similar situation. At least for today, instead of being a patient or a survivor, I am one of the sisterhood of women who sincerely wants to know how to compassionately help women who find themselves on this unexpected and unwanted journey.
When I read about a women’s fear of losing her hair, it made me stop to think about a breast cancer diagnosis in a very different way. Since one in eight women get breast cancer in their lifetimes, and the main risk factors are being a woman and getting older, I wanted figure out the best ways to to help. This is what I learned:
- Before, during and after a breast cancer diagnosis, a woman will always will be a woman first. She will always see breast cancer through the eyes of the woman she is. This is the common thread that weaves these women together. It gives you a framework to begin understanding what your friend is going through. Of course, that does not mean all women are the same. It is just an important reminder that women are so much more than the catastrophic news that they have breast cancer.
- Many women leave their doctors offices in shock. This can be felt as intense anxiety or a strange feeling of numbness. More than anything, you friend wants the important people in their lives, and even casual friends, to understand what they are going through. While I hope reading this blog is a first step in gaining some insight, the easiest and best way to understand is to boldly and directly ask questions. Often, our natural instincts are to avoid the elephant in the room. While some women are more private than others, more often than not, withdrawl may be the wrong approach. It can intensify feelings of loneliness and rejection. The hard part, as a friend, is to listen. Really listen. Even to the parts you are afraid to hear. We tend not to want to ask questions, because we don’t want to deal with the answers. If you don’t really understand what your friend is feeling, then, you will never be able to help to give them what they need.
- Almost without exception, avoiding a breast cancer patient because you don’t know what to say is one of the worse things you can do. You are not alone in not knowing what to say. You are not alone when you are afraid you will say the wrong thing. It’s okay. All you need is to simply say, “I don’t know what to say.” A few tears and a bug hug later, a world of healing can occur.
- It’s great when you say, “Call me if you need anything,” but don’t expect a call. Instead, make an offer of help and insist that accepting the offer is not negotiable. Knowing someone out there cares is often comfort enough, and sometimes, the perfect words are none at all.
Sheryl Kraft, a freelance health writer (sherylkraft.com) suggests the following does and don’ts:
DON’T tell the person just diagnosed that you know a woman who just died, had a negative mammogram or recently had a scare. And don’t tell her that you know just how she feels (unless you’ve also gone through a similar experience), because even though you may be the most empathetic person in the world, you can’t possibly know.
DO admit that you might not know just what to say, but that you are here for her nonetheless. Let her know that you are willing to do anything she might need, even if it’s just listening. (Another gesture that I’ll never forget is what my former boss did for me the day I arrived home from the hospital. He traveled many miles through a bad snowstorm, pulled a chair up to my bedside, where I lay in a combination of shock and drug-induced haze, and sat, silently, for hours. No words were exchanged. In retrospect, no words could have helped as much as his quiet presence that day.)
DON’T label the person as though they are sick. Many women are so inundated with medical procedures, tests, etc., that they want to get back to “normal” as much as possible outside the doctor’s office. One survivor told me, “I still see people who say, ‘And HOW do YOU feel?’ as if I’d just recovered from the the plague! Many survivors don’t want to be thought of as having permanent patient status… I even had a friend who introduced me to someone as, ‘My friend who has cancer.’ I’d had my surgery and was moving on.”
DO remember to ask the person about her life, her children, her activities—anything that gives her joy outside of what she is going through. Invite her out to lunch, to a funny movie, for a day of shopping—anything that will take her away from the medical and put her back into everyday life.
DON’T shy away by ignoring the facts of the disease. It’s frightening. Plain and simple.
DO acknowledge the person’s fear. After all, it’s real and appropriate. It’s OK to say, “You must be scared.” Talk about the cancer with her (if that’s what she wants). If you’ve just read something pertaining to the subject, ask first if she’d like you to share the information with her. Follow her lead. You’ll be able to tell in no time what she needs by simply listening.
DON’T drop out of sight or stay away.
DO be there—any way you can. Stay in touch, even if it’s just by notes or cards. While a phone call is nice, too, if you’re not sure if the person feels like talking, a note or a card is unobtrusive yet caring. Or, make a donation to a cancer research organization in honor of her. It’s a touching reminder that you’re thinking about her.
And finally, remember this. Everyone needs different things. Try to take your lead from them. Sometimes just being there, listening and being supportive are the greatest gifts you can offer.
If you would like more information about how to best help a person who has been diagnosed with breast cancer here are some other sources:
American Cancer Society
www.cancer.org
National Cancer Institute
www.cancer.gov
Some helpful books:
“The Etiquette of Illness” by Susan P. Halpern
“Cancer Etiquette” by Rosanne Kalick
“Help Me Live” by Lori Hope.
These, and other sources, include helpful information for caregivers, family and friends.
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