“I have come to believe that learning to love ourselves is the quest of our life’s journey. It is also one of the most must difficult things to accomplish.”

Unknown Source

In her best selling book, Mind over Medicine, Lissa Rankin, M.D. uses research from the most prestigious cancer centers in the world to show that much of what you feel is related to much of what you think. Many of the studies she references deal with the placebo effect. It is astounding how many patients who get a placebo fair as well as the patients who get the experimental treatment. These studies cover many different diseases and many different parts of the body.

Interestingly, the research shows that the amount of time the doctor spends with the patient is often more important than the treatment that was prescribed. Dr. Rankin postulates that when a doctor spends more time with patients, they are more likely to be regarded as caring and trustworthy. Belief in the doctor transfers into belief in the treatment. Patients who have warm, caring relationships with their doctors get better faster regardless of what medical treatment they receive.

I am absolutely not telling you to stop your treatment for breast cancer. What I am telling you is to make sure that your medical caregivers are meaningful partners in your ongoing treatment. One example that Dr. Rankin cited is a study that compared a new surgical procedure for knee injuries. One group of patients got the surgery and the necessary follow up care. The other group had two shallow incisions followed by the prescribed rehab. It is hard to believe, but the placebo group that did not get the surgery recovered better than the group that had the surgery. When looking at all the studies together, what shows up is that it is actually possible to believe yourself well.

How does it work?

In my sixty two years of life, I never imagined writing a blog about loving myself. In fact, I have spent most of my life not liking myself. And why not? Culture reminds me everyday that I am too fat, too wrinkled, too poor, too serious, too loud, too crude just to name a few. Growing up, the cool kids did a real number on me saying things I still have to remind myself aren’t true. If you have a family, you know they are not always the best source of inspiring self love. So, let me tell you a secret that I am just beginning to learn myself. There is nothing more important in your life than to reap the rewards of learning to love yourself. Do you know why? It’s simple. The only reason to love yourself is because you deserve it.

Ways to learn to love yourself

Know your intentions: Take time to contemplate what you want the purpose of your life to be. This is accomplished by learning to live with clearly defined and mindful intentions. Meditation is a great way to discover what your goals and intentions are. If your intentions are to live a meaningful and healthy life, you will be able to make decisions that support this intention. You can change your life, and the lives of those you love, as you make decisions that bring you closer and closer to your intentions. You will start to love yourself when you become the person you always hoped you would be.

Practice mindfulness

Never, ever let any one tell you what to think, feel or want. If they try, don’t listen. What you think, feel and want are literally what defines who you are. Learning to love yourself is as simple as accepting who you really are. No one is good at everything and no one is good at nothing. Count your gifts and cast away what you were never meant to do. You will begin to feel the line between want and need and right and wrong begin to blur. You will learn to discount what others expect you to be. Through mindfulness, you will learn to be acutely aware of each moment. Embrace it because it is exactly what it is supposed to be. Once you start to understand that your anger and fear is based on misconceptions from the past, you will replace them with happiness and love.

Separate needs from wants

Learn the difference between what you want and what you need. Much of what you want is a replacement for the love you do not feel. Often, what you want is just beyond your reach. You think attaining it will change you. It never does. You just start wanting another shiny thing on your list of desires. Ask yourself what you need to be strong, centered, and most importantly, happy. I promise you it will not be something that feels good and exciting in the moment. Knowing this has changed my whole way of thinking.

Every time I want something, I ask myself if I want it or if I need it. Most of the time I just want it. If I walk away, I forget that I wanted it reflexively. A fleeting thought that just disappears. Then, think about how staying focused on how what you need feels. When you start a list, you will realize you need less and less of what you thought you needed. In the end, if you dig deeper you will discover that all you need is to love yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

Learn to take care of yourself first

This is mostly because if you love yourself, you will understand that you are deserving and worthy of making yourself thrive mentally and physically. When you nourish yourself every day with healthy food, regular exercise, proper sleep, and mutually loving relationships, you honor yourself. This is the central precept of self love. It strengthens and grounds your soul so that you can pass your love on without depleting yourself. Imagine what kind of world we would all live in if only this could be so.

Learn to set boundaries

One of the central behaviors that can be your biggest hurdle to self love is to learn to set boundaries. I think that I am a very kind and generous person because I love to make other people happy. Often, I say yes in the moment, and then, realize I have bitten off more than I can chew. I become overwhelmed. Sometimes, I resent the person I am helping. In the end, I feel worse about myself. I berate myself for my offer to help while not wanting to follow through. You’ll love yourself more when you set limits or learn to say no to that which depletes or harms you. In this way, you will to learn to love others more as well.

Practice self forgiveness

Last, but not least, bestow upon yourself the grace of forgiving yourself for not being perfect. As a human, you are likely to have been taught to judge yourself from as far back as you can remember. The downside of living with purpose and noble intentions is that you might punish yourself for not living up to your own expectations. But, it is here when you will reach your most important point in your life’s journey. You have to accept your humanness (the fact that you are not perfect.) If you learn the lessons of your mistakes, they won’t be mistakes at all. Instead, they become the most important way to purify and clarify what your life is meant to be. Imagine an end to the negative chatter in your head that tells you that you are ‘less than.’ Instead, each mistake understood and changed makes you infinitely more than you might have ever imagined you could be. The very moment you truly believe this, you will love yourself within the quiet, dignified space that is uniquely you.

I have mentioned before that the essential truth of the universe is that for every action, there is a reaction. Nowhere is this more true than with self love. When you learn to love yourself, you can fully love others without limits and restrictions. Likewise, the love you bestow on others will come back to you. It is true that you can only love a person as much as you love yourself. Again, I remind you that if you can change yourself, you will change the world.

I want to give credit for the subject matter of this blog to Dr. Lissa Rankin. Her book, Mind Over Medicine, was truly life changing for me. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn about the mind-body relationship to heal yourself.